As I sit here in the last few hours of 2013, I am reflecting on the year our family has had. A year that started out with a most joyous occasion as we welcomed our twins turned into a nightmare a mere days later. I'm torn on what to call this year--was it good or was it bad?
A year ago tonight I sat in a hospital room with 2 babies nestled comfortably in my belly. They were comfortable, but I was so ready for them to be out and to see them face to face. I had already been in the hospital over a week and missed Christmas at home and I wanted to be with my family. I looked forward to the excitement in the coming days and year so naively. I had no idea what was to come.
I will always look back fondly on the birth of my babies. My heart swelled even more with their births. When others I have known were expecting second children, they worried their heart wouldn't love a second as much as the first. I worried the same, but there was never anything to worry about. I loved them as much as their brother from the moment I knew them. That night is ingrained on my heart. Hearing Paige and trying to see her while I tried to focus on pushing her brother out. Then once Kyle was born, I wanted to see him and all I could see were limbs. It was a few minutes before I finally was able to hold my babies. Matt got to hold them both as soon as they were wrapped up, but I took longer because I was still laying on the table (the problem with having multiples is that no matter what you deliver in the OR and laying on a table meant for a surgery isn't comfortable if you are delivering vaginally) and I didn't have much room to hold a baby because I was busy trying to keep myself from falling off the table.
Those first couple of hours were a bit of a blur, but I remember them being so calm. The babies nestled on my chest or in daddy's arms. They got baths. Kyle struggled a bit with grunting, but nothing scary. I remember being sad they were taking him to the NICU instead of coming to the room with us, but also being so tired that it almost didn't matter because I knew he would be with us soon.
That would be the last of the calm of 2013. Just hours after they were born Matt dropped the bomb on me. There was a mass in his sinuses. It could be nothing, but it could be something. I remember saying, "It isn't cancer." Oh how wrong I was. Only a few days later it was confirmed to be cancer and our lives were turned every which way but up. The rollercoaster ride went from a kiddie ride to the ride from hell. I've never been a fan of rollercoasters, so it was a nightmare for me. I also know how to be a patient, but being the spouse of the patient was all new.
Those first few months were pure hell. The surgery. The hospital stay. The recovery. The chemo. The radiation. The abyss that the man I knew fell into and I wondered if he would return. I felt so alone. I had 3 babies to care for and parent. My own recovery from pregnancy and delivery was lost in a mass of doctor appointments and discussions about death.
When May finally rolled around and the true recover began, it felt like I wasn't alone anymore. My husband slowly returned. He's different, but he's the same, too. I love him more. I appreciate him more.
2013 was not an easy year. I won't kid myself and say it was. But, it did give me two more children. It also did not take my husband. It gave me a new appreciation for him. It gave me a new perspective on life. I see 2013 as a turning point in my life. Things will never be the same for us again.
I look forward to 2014 and see it as another pivotal year in our life. I see more changes coming our way, but this year I'm praying that none of them will make me cry tears of sadness or loss.
So, 2013, goodbye. Thanks for the memories. I'm taking what you taught me and moving on to bigger and better things.
Hello 2014. I hope we will be very good friends.
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