The last 19 months have been filled with so many ups and downs. More than most people could handle. That first year of having twins and dealing with cancer was so hard for me. I wanted to enjoy the babies, but couldn't because the days were filled with doctor's appointments, radiation treatments, chemo, and worry how much longer their daddy would be around. Just when I started to feel like we were passed all the worry, the cancer came back.
I remember just thinking it was just leftovers...the doctors would get it and he would be fine. When the surgeon (Dr. Harsh lived up to his name) told me that Matt only had a year to live, I almost collapsed. It was as if my life had ended right there in that moment. As time went on and Matt felt better and the MRIs came back clear, we got comfortable. We started to believe that the doctor was wrong. The cancer wouldn't come back.
Then everything fell apart again. When we go the call that the cancer was back, it was surreal. I just didn't believe it. After a couple of days, it started to sink it. I go through all the same thoughts each time...how do I tell the kids? How are they going to be when they get older without a dad? Am I going to be able to do it alone? I'm going to miss my best friend. My heart just hurts. I don't want to lose him. I need him more than I ever thought I did.
I'm angry with all the people out there who just go on living life without the thought that it could end. The ones that take for granted their spouse. The ones that complain about their marriages. The ones that don't ever stop and think about what they really have. Love is a gift that we don't think about very often. I feel like I am thinking about it too much. I am holding on to it so tight that I am missing everything else around me.
I'm aching inside so much right now. The waiting sucks. We have 5 more days before we find out what they can do for him. Then we go back to waiting to find out how much longer he has to live. One MRI at a time.
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