My heart is aching

The last 19 months have been filled with so many ups and downs.  More than most people could handle.  That first year of having twins and dealing with cancer was so hard for me.  I wanted to enjoy the babies, but couldn't because the days were filled with doctor's appointments, radiation treatments, chemo, and worry how much longer their daddy would be around.  Just when I started to feel like we were passed all the worry, the cancer came back.

I remember just thinking it was just leftovers...the doctors would get it and he would be fine.  When the surgeon (Dr. Harsh lived up to his name) told me that Matt only had a year to live, I almost collapsed.  It was as if my life had ended right there in that moment.  As time went on and Matt felt better and the MRIs came back clear, we got comfortable.  We started to believe that the doctor was wrong.  The cancer wouldn't come back.

Then everything fell apart again.  When we go the call that the cancer was back, it was surreal.  I just didn't believe it. After a couple of days, it started to sink it.  I go through all the same thoughts each time...how do I tell the kids?  How are they going to be when they get older without a dad?  Am I going to be able to do it alone?  I'm going to miss my best friend.  My heart just hurts.  I don't want to lose him.  I need him more than I ever thought I did.

I'm angry with all the people out there who just go on living life without the thought that it could end.  The ones that take for granted their spouse.  The ones that complain about their marriages.  The ones that don't ever stop and think about what they really have.  Love is a gift that we don't think about very often.  I feel like I am thinking about it too much.  I am holding on to it so tight that I am missing everything else around me.

I'm aching inside so much right now.  The waiting sucks.  We have 5 more days before we find out what they can do for him.  Then we go back to waiting to find out how much longer he has to live.  One MRI at a time.

The Big Move

Since Matt & I got married our plan has always been to move to Reno.  We wanted to be someplace where we would have family.  Most of his family lives there while my family is all over the country.  We've always called it the 5-year-plan.  The five years came and went and we continued living in California.  Then cancer happened.  Just when we thought the bastard was gone, he came back.  This time death was mentioned.  Nothing gets you more motivated to follow through than the threat of death.  We are (obviously) hoping that death is far off, but we are going to really start living like it is not.

So, we are moving.  Matt got the thumbs up to telecommute from Reno.  Two weeks later the house was on the market and a week after that we had accepted an offer and had put an offer on a house in Reno that was accepted.  Now for all the fun stuff...packing, packing, and more packing.  

Colin is ready to go and continually asks if we are going to our new house.  When we go to school he asks if it is a new school.  I'm not quite sure that he understands we are leaving here and not coming back, but at least he is excited to go.  He does keep asking if we all are going.  He is dealing with a lot of separation anxiety these days.  We do our best to reassure him, but some days he just doesn't believe us.  It worries me a lot since there could come a day when Daddy doesn't come home.  I have no idea how I am going to help him (and his brother & sister) through that.

2013 comes to a close

As I sit here in the last few hours of 2013, I am reflecting on the year our family has had.  A year that started out with a most joyous occasion as we welcomed our twins turned into a nightmare a mere days later.  I'm torn on what to call this year--was it good or was it bad?

A year ago tonight I sat in a hospital room with 2 babies nestled comfortably in my belly.   They were comfortable, but I was so ready for them to be out and to see them face to face.  I had already been in the hospital over a week and missed Christmas at home and I wanted to be with my family.  I looked forward to the excitement in the coming days and year so naively.  I had no idea what was to come.

I will always look back fondly on the birth of my babies.  My heart swelled even more with their births.  When others I have known were expecting second children, they worried their heart wouldn't love a second as much as the first.  I worried the same, but there was never anything to worry about.  I loved them as much as their brother from the moment I knew them.  That night is ingrained on my heart.  Hearing Paige and trying to see her while I tried to focus on pushing her brother out.  Then once Kyle was born, I wanted to see him and all I could see were limbs.  It was a few minutes before I finally was able to hold my babies.  Matt got to hold them both as soon as they were wrapped up, but I took longer because I was still laying on the table (the problem with having multiples is that no matter what you deliver in the OR and laying on a table meant for a surgery isn't comfortable if you are delivering vaginally) and I didn't have much room to hold a baby because I was busy trying to keep myself from falling off the table.  

Those first couple of hours were a bit of a blur, but I remember them being so calm.  The babies nestled on my chest or in daddy's arms.  They got baths.  Kyle struggled a bit with grunting, but nothing scary.  I remember being sad they were taking him to the NICU instead of coming to the room with us, but also being so tired that it almost didn't matter because I knew he would be with us soon.

That would be the last of the calm of 2013.  Just hours after they were born Matt dropped the bomb on me.  There was a mass in his sinuses.  It could be nothing, but it could be something.  I remember saying, "It isn't cancer."  Oh how wrong I was.  Only a few days later it was confirmed to be cancer and our lives were turned every which way but up.  The rollercoaster ride went from a kiddie ride to the ride from hell.  I've never been a fan of rollercoasters, so it was a nightmare for me.  I also know how to be a patient, but being the spouse of the patient was all new.  

Those first few months were pure hell.  The surgery.  The hospital stay.  The recovery.  The chemo.  The radiation.  The abyss that the man I knew fell into and I wondered if he would return.  I felt so alone.  I had 3 babies to care for and parent.  My own recovery from pregnancy and delivery was lost in a mass of doctor appointments and discussions about death.  

When May finally rolled around and the true recover began, it felt like I wasn't alone anymore.  My husband slowly returned.  He's different, but he's the same, too.  I love him more.  I appreciate him more. 

2013 was not an easy year.  I won't kid myself and say it was.  But, it did give me two more children.  It also did not take my husband.  It gave me a new appreciation for him.  It gave me a new perspective on life.  I see 2013 as a turning point in my life.  Things will never be the same for us again.  

I look forward to 2014 and see it as another pivotal year in our life.  I see more changes coming our way, but this year I'm praying that none of them will make me cry tears of sadness or loss.  

So, 2013, goodbye.  Thanks for the memories.  I'm taking what you taught me and moving on to bigger and better things.

Hello 2014.  I hope we will be very good friends.

Sick, Again????

Back to daycare...and welcome to a new cold!  It has been almost 2 weeks and the whole family is sick.  Colin has been affectionately nicknamed our "Little Germ Factory."  It seems that all the other kids in his class are sick as well, so it isn't just him.  I'm fine with him getting sick and building up his immunity, but I sure am tired of all of us getting sick.  When he doesn't sleep well at night, no one does.  Matt has avoided getting sick up until this point.  Both of us sound hilarious and are taking medication after medication to get better quick.  So far, no luck.  Colin has been coughing and wheezing enough that we have decided to take him to the doctor today.  It looks like he has some fluid in his ear, so an ear infection is beginning.  We have decided to start him on antibiotics and cut it out before it gets worse.  I'm very happy we decided to take him in.

This paper tastes awesome!

On a happier note, I am working on getting him to sleep better.  I started reading, The Dream Sleeper.  I haven't gotten to the "method" quite yet, but they go through all the prep to start sleep training.  So far we have taken out the nightlight, removed any toys (including the mobile) from his crib, and added more white noise (we were using ocean sounds).  Two nights in a row he has woken and put himself right back to sleep.  The first night he woke around 4 am and I had to bring him to bed with us, but last night he slept from 7:45pm - 5:45am in his own crib!  I know he woke at least twice, but we didn't even need to go in and put in his pacifier.  He went back to sleep all on his own.  It gave Matt and I a good chance to get some much needed rest.  Yay!  Now to keep it up!

Although he wasn't quite himself yesterday, he was still playful and had some fun.  He's still not too happy on his belly, but I think it is mostly because he hasn't figured out how to move himself.  Once he gets crawling I think he will love it.

A New Year

Colin has now lived in 2 years!  He's is going to have his 1st birthday this year!  I can't believe how fast time is flying by.  He is my sweet little boy and every day he seems to be more and more of a boy.  His smile is changing from just an open "O" mouth to actually spread across his face.  He doesn't show off his teeth much, but he's got a couple and I'm pretty sure he is going to get a couple more in the next few weeks.

My favorite day of the month is, of course, picture day.  This month I decided to get involved myself.  I have so many pictures of him, but I need at least a few with me in them, too. :)

Finally, A Picture

Colin got his 2 front teeth for Christmas, but he hides them most of the time.  Trying to get him to open his mouth isn't easy, so I have been waiting for the perfect moment to get a picture...finally, I did!  He was playing on the floor and I was on the couch.  I snapped about a million pictures and one turned out perfect!

Here are his teeth!

Merry Christmas!

Colin's first Christmas!  It was all about family this year, not opening gifts.  We flew down to Phoenix for the first "everyone there" McAlpine Christmas in a long time. It was the first time any of my siblings would meet Colin.  We had planned to drive, but the week  before with all of us being sick, we figured that flying was a better choice.  My parents were awesome and bought us tickets to visit, which was a huge deal for us because we really couldn't afford to buy the tickets ourselves.  Unfortunately, that meant that Squiggle wouldn't be able to spend the holiday with us.  :(  Both Matt & I were sad about that, but Squiggle got to go to Grandma & Grandpa's, which he loves.  Squiggle got a little vacation from us and the baby, so it was a small consolation for us knowing he was with his grandparents.

If you haven't been to Phoenix in the winter, it is so terrible...in the 60s during the day and 40s at night.  Oh so miserable.  No white Christmas there.  My parents live on a golf course, so there is lots of space out back.  Wildlife wanders around quite often and we even got to see a couple of coyotes.  They weren't too far away, but not so close that I went running into the house.  In fact, it was pretty cool to see.  That isn't something I would see at home.

Colin started Christmas morning with breakfast and then spending some time with Nana & Papa.  He loves just hanging out with them and laughing.  Mommy & Daddy got the gift of a little more sleep.  Woo-hoo!  We finally rolled out of bed around 9:00am.  I don't think I have been in bed that late in years.

Not only did Colin get his 2 front teeth for Christmas, but he also finally started to feel better. After being sick the week before and not eating much, he chose Christmas to start eating and making up for his weight loss.  He ate over 40 ounces for the day!  His usual is about 32 oz, so he is definitely on the mend.  Needless to say, this makes Mommy & Daddy both happy, but tired from the 2am feedings.

On Christmas night,  we all headed out to the hot tub including Colin.  He got to wear his swimsuit for the first time.  Since the water was over 100 degrees, he didn't get to hang out in the water too much, but he did get to sit on Mommy or Daddy's lap and got into the water for little bits at a time. We all had a lot of fun and just bonded as a family.

So, Colin got to spend plenty of time with his aunts and uncles. He was rarely on his own and usually someone was holding him or playing with him on the floor.  I'm so glad that he finally got the chance to meet them and vice versa.  He is a very special little boy and he has a great family to which he is a part.

Everyone has to have a nutty Uncle Bob--I have 2.  Colin is lucky to have just one.  Although, any more would be overload.  He has one nutty Uncle Bob.  I would add a picture, but he doesn't want any pictures of him published anywhere for fear that someone might find it (a little narcissistic paranoid going on).  I'm not sure who would be looking for him or a picture of him, but nonetheless, he doesn't want pictures of him anywhere.  I don't intend to let Colin spend any time alone with the him, so I won't worry about the insanity rubbing off on him.

Overall it was a fun trip and Colin did great!  He is an awesome traveler and hasn't had any problems flying so far.  I am so happy to have a tame baby (at least during the day!).

Secret Santa!

I did a Secret Santa gift exchange with my June 2011 Mommy group.  So much fun.  I made a few things for mine (and had a blast doing it).  Colin had so much fun opening his gifts!  I loved watching him, too.  I knew he wouldn't be opening  any gifts for Christmas, so I was excited that he actually got some gifts from Santa!  Thanks, Santa Tara!

yum...wrapping paper!

Wait, there is more than just the paper?

Look, Mommy...I can chew on this!

More paper!

Open it, Mommy!

Hmm, what do I play with first?

6 Months!

Colin had to hold off for his 6-month checkup for a week because of his respiratory infection, so we headed in when he was 6 months and 1.5 weeks.  Even with his illness and weight loss (about a 1/2 pound), he still is in the 80th+ percentile for weight and 90+ percentile for height.  He is a big boy!  He was way down on his weight shortly after birth, so I expect he will pick it up quickly again.

He did really well with his shots and only cried with the 2nd and 3rd.  As soon as I picked him up, he was calmed down and stopped crying.  As usual, he went crazy on the paper on the doctor's table.  He had fun tearing it apart and even spitting up on it.

Reason for Visit  Visit Type    6 month well child check  Office Visit

Vitals    Height  2' 4"(0.711 m)    Weight  19 lb 5.4 oz(8.771 kg)    Head Circumference  44cm

Diagnosis    ROUTINE MEDICAL EXAM <18 YRS

Immunization History as of 12/20/2011 Never Reviewed

DTAP/HIB/IPV 10/11/2011, 8/11/2011   Hep B <20 Yrs 8/11/2011, 6/10/2011   PNEUMOCOCCAL PREVNAR13 (PCV13) 10/11/2011, 8/11/2011   Rotavirus 10/11/2011, 8/11/2011

 

All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth

On top of being sick, Colin has been teething for 2 months.  I figured he would just be teething until his first birthday and then all of a sudden he would have a full set of teeth.  I might be exhausted and completely sleep deprived, but he would finally have teeth after a year.  It appears that Colin is getting his first Christmas gift a bit early--his two bottom teeth started cutting through!  Thank goodness!  My poor baby is in a bit less pain now.  I'm sure they are still bothering him, but not nearly as much as before.  This mommy is so happy to know that he feels better.

6 Month Photos!

Colin went in on Thursday to get his 6 month photos done.  Unfortunately, the system was down, so I couldn't look at the pictures until later.  We had already scheduled for the birthday buddies to go in together on Saturday, so we went again.  Saturday was hellish since it is so close to Christmas, but we withstood the 1.5 hour wait.  The boys also did great and all the pictures turned out amazing!  Unfortunately, shortly after this Colin started to show more symptoms of his respiratory infection.

Sick, Sick, Sick

Really, another cold?  Two months in daycare and a couple of colds for Mommy, 2 for baby plus a virus.  Now Daddy is sick.  I seemed to have been the one who got the brunt of it.  I was out sick on Monday, tried to go to work on Wednesday and had to go home, and went home sick again on Friday.  All I have wanted to do is sleep.  Plus, I got a migraine on Thursday to top it all off. 

On Saturday, Colin just didn't seem to be doing well, so I called the dr and got an after-hours (weekend) appointment at the clinic.  He was wheezing a bit and his breathing was rapid.  So, in we went around 3:30pm. 

The doctor tried to take a listen to his lungs, but there was too much junk clogging his nose, so the nurse had to come in and suction his snot.  The kid HATES that more than just about anything.  It took Matt & I to hold him still while the nurse suctioned his nose.  Lots of crap came out, so it was good.  I have been having a heck of a time doing it at home since he cries and thrashes so much.

The doctor heard some wheezing, so he had a breathing treatment done and gave up a prescription for albuterol to do 2-3x/day.  My poor baby boy.  He actually did really well with the breather and didn't cry much.  He was exhausted, so I think he just had given up a bit and decided to go with it.

For the night he went to bed in his room in his swing.  Matt and I went to bed at 8:30pm (holy crap! that is early) and around 11:30pm woke up to Little Man's crying.  I went and got him to find he was really HOT.  I took his temp and it was 103.6, so he got a dose of Tylenol followed by a breathing treatment.  He slept the rest of the night in our bed.  It was the bed of sickies.  Me blowing my nose, Matt coughing, and a baby with a fever.  Aren't we awesome?